Motherhood

Last week was my birthday. The night before we went to the ward talent show. While Matt was making snide remarks and laughing under his breath ("You know you are thinking the exact same things as I am, Shelley"), I was having somewhat painful and quite regular contractions. Between pinching him and telling him to shush and trying to get Maddy to stop pulling her shirt up in front of the entire crowd (we're going to have problems in a few years if we don't squelch that right now), I was really quite busy. The contractions were obviously a little concerning to me and the peanut gallery sitting next to me and more than once we wondered if we should leave. But we were having fun and ended up staying until the last chair was pulled down and the gym was all but deserted.

We came home, I took contraction stopping medicine and we watched "Out of Africa" until late and then discussed the symbolism until later. By the time I hit my knees to pray it was an hour and a half into my birthday. The contractions were still there, but less regular and less concerning. Mid-prayer I felt the baby tighten within me and it hit me that exactly twenty-seven years earlier, my mother had been wondering if the contractions she was feeling would bring her an early baby. The realization brought with it a unsuspected closeness that was as intense as I've ever felt.

They say that you become your mother as you get older. And by the time she had you she had probably already become her mother. I don't know if "they" are right about that or right when they say that you only learn to appreciate your own mother as you have your own children (seems too narrow to me). I am not sure if I am any closer to becoming or fully appreciating, but my understanding feels thicker.

Which reminds me of something we talked about today at church. Matt taught Gospel Principles today--a lesson on the nature of God. He started by quoting Joseph Smith as saying that we will never understand our nature until we understand the nature of God. Then we talked about how to know God, talked about the simple fact that He has to be revealed. I like that. I like that understanding is necessarily experiential. I like that it is not enough just to hear them say it.

I remember being so pregnant with Maddy at Christmastime. I remember sitting in an early morning seminary class watching the three minute Luke 2 video and having it hit me for the first time that Mary was pregnant when she rode to Bethlehem. A long, dirty, bumpy ride that they had told me about before, but I had just never understood that Mary was pregnant. Really pregnant.

I have thought about that a lot since last week. Realized and understood the something beautiful about being so pregnant on your birthday.

And I've felt grateful.